....saying goodbye... When one person grieves the loss of a dog we all grieve. We remember past losses and what we went through during those times. Grief is like an injury that heals over time but forever changes us. This weekend Marilyn Tokach, who has helped so many people through the hard times when they were saying goodbye, lost her special friend, Portia. Please click here to read her tribute to Portia and about their life together. Marilyn's tribute to Portia.
Portia RIP Miss Portia
May 8, 2000 - July 15, 2011
Somewhere a journey begins at the end of the worldly existence we know,
Somewhere a path stretches over the stars and rivers of memories flow…
Somewhere a silence is heard far away and the brightness of day fills the night,
Where the trials of life are resolved into peace when a soul finds its way to the light.
What happened?He shows a picture of being stepped on and squished by something large or it looked large to him because he was really little perhaps only few weeks old (3 or less),.It could have been his mother rolling over on him when he was lying on his back.Sometimes there is pain or he feels like it goes where it’s not supposed to go but sometimes he doesn’t notice it especially when he is still. He is good about getting it fixed and yes, he knows he overdoes it at times. He also has pain and achiness in his rear left leg around the middle below the knee.It’s a tingly feeling probably from overdoing it.
He’s very glad he is with me but is sorry to cause me stress and trouble (he didn’t realize that it was going to cause of all of this stress).He feels that after the surgery he will need therapy such as swimming or message or alternative therapy because his whole body is crooked.
Were we together before?Yep!“You knew that” (to me) and “you knew that too” (to Marilyn) Marilyn said: “I know I knew that but you didn’t want me to tell her” and he said “Thank you for that, but you recognized me when you saw the picture” and Marilyn said “yep (to me… you sent me that black and white picture of the white dog) and when I saw the picture I said who is that..oh…that is the dog I just talked to.”He is a different dog this time and back for a difference experience.
Regarding the dogs in the household… nothing special.He feels like he is home. He is happy to be back and is showing pictures of him licking me all over.He is flashing back and forth.Everything is fine and everything will be taken care of.
Brita:
He’s fun.She treats him like a brother. She says that he doesn’t know as much as she does but also he is headstrong.She reminded me to not forget about her because she likes to do stuff and she likes to work.
Olivia:
How are you doing?She’s ok, her head itches.I mentioned she stopped biting when we lost Teddy, then started when we lost Ari and now when Jake came, she stopped again. She said she was nervous in interim with tension going on.Regarding Jake - he’s cute, his antics are cute, gets away with murder and is funny to watch!
Kobie:
How do you feel about Jake?She is not as amused as Olivia.There is aloofness, she doesn’t feel he is a pest just tries to ignore him – not to worry, when he is older, she’ll kick his butt.She seems to be really happy for me now.I asked about her and Brita and she said that Brita’s not nearly as bad as she thought she was.There is calmness in house now and everything seems in order even with Jake there. It’s more balanced than it has been in a long time.Her health is ok.
Ari:
It’s going well, he’s good and feels and looks good. He likes what’s going on at the house.I asked if he knew whether Tori crossed and he said she was with him like a ghost - like a flash, there and gone.
Tori:
Marilyn can’t tell if she is alive or dead and said that maybe we’re not supposed to connect.
Teddy:
He is very handsome and proud and confident….big brown eyes. He said that I’m progressing beautifully, taking everything in stride and growing every day.He said that I should remember to breathe and be careful not to go go go all the time.There is better opportunity to take care of me since it’s more balanced in the house.
….Whole back end wobbly not losing use of only one leg but actually a leg and a half. Right leg can’t support and he can’t compensate. When he shifts his weight he falls over.
…. No headaches but dizziness.
…. Is your time up? He won’t answer it because he doesn’t want to think about it. He's in denial. He knows he’s not making it easier for me or him. He likes being a dog and doing things with me and sometimes being a clown. He’s been with me many times before… cliffs, centuries ago, involved once, dogs together (street dogs). What can I do? Love him and hold him.
….Stomach bloated but dry mouth which is why he drinks so much water. He feels kind of spacey or tipsy. He sees his mental capacities leaving but not dementia. Something physical pressing … most likely brain tumor.
…. He hates putting me through this and he wonders how I’ll ever survive without him to keep the girls in line. Loves me and hates the way he has to pee. (squatting)
…. Not long… 0-6 weeks. Very hard to say…
Kobie’s report (the caretaker – empathetic)
· Ari vomits in the back yard in the corner and doesn’t want to tell me. · He’s trying to be strong and he’s not the dog he used to be and it’s sad.
Olivia’s report (into herself)
· Knows nothing she is so itchy. Give her drugs.(she says). it’s maddening…
Brita’s report (matter of fact)
· She knows that he’s not long for this world. Animals die. (Not rude but a reflective statement) · Nothing she can do so she’s accepting it.· She’s sad that I’m sad and everything is heavy around here now.
Teddy
· He’s (Teddy) everywhere….everything’s fine….comfortable…at ease…· Fine with his resting place · Ari’s coming soon but that’s ok since everyone gets along – they were together before. · He’s watching all of us and he’s everywhere.
February 3, 2006 Does he have a blocky head?? Dark face? (yes)
How is your hip? (Left hip - she asked if that was the one)… It’s alright… He feels that he needs to build up muscle… like a body builder working out. (Very true but would be a fact I think with any dog that has hip dysplasia and just had a Femoral Head Excision)
Other hip?? He said he just needs to keep the muscle going. I’m three legged but try to use all 4. Other hip is mild, not severe. He’s SO glad both of them weren’t done because the other one doesn’t need it yet. How can I help you to be less anxious when I’m coming and going? He’s not anxious when you come home but he calls it “alert”. Oh…the leaving… ..anxious then.
(There’s something with the nose,…. Sinuses…empty cavity… hard to focus… Watch him)
Why do you beat up on the girls you love when we’re all out for a walk or when I’m around and you can’t get to me? It scares them. I know you do it sometimes when I’m not around or at least you used to because my mother would see you and she worried about Olivia. Brain shutting down…. Habit, he’s gotten used to doing it and it’s partially stress. Too much stuff going on…...
What about what happened when you were a puppy? When happened when puppy isn’t important anymore. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He’s “pretty happy” now. he said “I’m her favorite”… Teddy – what can we do about your stress barking when you’re not in the middle of things? Climbing the walls… can’t help it. Marilyn suggested an anxiety wrap and maybe the collar. Stressed – doesn’t want to be confined.. me to confine him.. he wants the opposite of I want. I want to go east he wants to go west.. same thing only a bigger picture. Doesn’t like the idea of Ari going everywhere.. content to be a house dog if I’m there.. likes to be with me… more intensity than Olivia about house dog. Depression when I go to work.. when I take the other dogs….she’s gone again… does Olivia help…. 2 peas in a pod..
February 7, 2007 Teddy – are you feeling ok? *****likes to hang out with me in LR… he thinks he's my lover boy… he thinks he’s my favorite. Ari can just go be a fighter. They were aware of how sick Ari was and Teddy said life would have been easier for him but he doesn’t wish anything bad to happen. When I mentioned a puppy he doesn’t care and will hang out with her. When I said it won’t take away from them they said be serious, of course it will!
June 7, 2007 How are you feeling? Your bones? ….ok… more relaxed - tiredness in spine arthritis… maybe from overdoing doesn’t take much..
How do you feel about Brita? Play with him.. face – enough is enough… likes that
What else would you like to tell me? He said Olivias right about peeing in yard – they need to mark the yard and he does the corners and she does the house.
February 27, 2008 Teddy – How are your legs? Kind of a tingly feeling in front paws – lack of circulation… a sensation – discomfort – spot just above the elbow and ties to just behind the shoulder like a muscle pain.. not a bone related issue.. could be a pinched nerve – massage or acupuncture better than chiropractic but that would help. Yes the red light on neck… it’s the right leg and left side of the neck C2-3 where the shoulder attaches - he also has a headache. He loves me and likes when I rub his ears – Brita takes advantage of him and of his good nature and she bugs him. Because of his movements she is more annoying. She is a bundle of energy and doesn’t stop moving and kind of fun and amusing and also an irritant because she is so spunky. He wants to go on walks when he gets better.. Lying around can be exhausting. Be his coach…
April 7, 2008 Note: Marilyn feels the pain in her own body where a dog describes it. I asked her if the fact that he was on pain killers affected what he described and she said “yes, thank goodness” and she’s glad or it would really be painful. * Teddy says that the bones in his right front foot feel icky – arthritic – like being pulled together. He bites there but it doesn’t help but it gives him satisfaction (like us biting nails when stressed). * His right front shoulder feels weird. Marilyn described it by asking me if I saw the hair commercial where the hair shaft breaks apart and it looks frizzy because that what it seems like) * He has an intense ache in his joints – on a scale of 1-10 it’s a probably a 6. * The left front ankle area (not in the paw) is painful and the pain radiates up and down the bone. * The right side of his neck feels pinched or squeezed and the right shoulder is tied into it. Marilyn described it like a drawstring – when the jaw moves the neck turns into the shoulder and when the head turns it causes tightening and the shoulder and neck seem to be magnetized. * He says there is stress in his low back. He says he has a pain in his rear left hip. It feels like waves of pain…pulsating…like a cadence…tremor. It will be continuous and then it will stop for awhile. It’s hard to get up when it’s happening. * He has a headache and is sometimes nauseous. * He says there is a tension across his chest. (I mentioned cancer spreading to organs and asked about a chest x-ray and she said it probably wouldn’t show anything.) * He says he saw me pull others (Kobie and Ari) through and is willing to work to get better but thinks this time it won’t happen. He understands that all things change form. * He says he is not able to do the things he used to do like rolling on his back. (I commented that he didn’t do that because of the way his back was shaped and then I remembered these times I took photos.) He says that he likes sleeping next to me (which he hadn’t done very often). (yesterday he snuggled) He says it draws on my energy (not negative for me) …like plugging in. He’ll be sticking closer to me now.
April 28, 2008 Teddy – after trip to the vet, that, yet again, showed nothing on the x-rays, this time of his back legs and abdomen. He is achy in his low back and hips and anything other than a light touch hurts him. Massage around his neck feels good but not toward his back end. He is very uncomfortable and Marilyn feels that it could be systemic and pain in the joints. To write off any tick related diseases, even though he tested negative, he’ll be on Doxycyclene for a few weeks.
5/19/2008 Teddy – Shoulder aches – he’s fatigued and can be out-of-sorts a lot. He’s really slowing down and likes to lay down and sometimes it’s hard to hold his head up. He said he loves me and I don’t have to say it back because he knows I love him and now he wants to cherish the good times left which could be months – August?? …fall?? He said he has muscle spasms in his shoulder but not to worry, they don’t hurt. I said we’ll get water in his pool and he said he’d love that! His paw feels numb.
Marilyn said he’s saying he wants ice cream?? I’ve come to the conclusion that it may be pumpkin that he’s taking about. I have kept a can in the fridge in the past and spoon fed it to Kobie and Teddy and they liked that so I have started to do that again.
The other dogs are very respectful of him and I told her Kobie was play bowing to him outside and I was concerned she was too rough but Marilyn said unless Kobie is touching him, let her because it’s her way of cheering him up which is Kobie’s role.
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2/20/2009 He's ready... it will be soon... probably next week but maybe before.......
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4/29/2009 He’s (Teddy) everywhere….everything’s fine….comfortable…at ease…· Fine with his resting place · Ari’s coming soon but that’s ok since everyone gets along – they were together before. · He’s watching all of us and he’s everywhere.
She wasn’t herself during the practice the day before the trial and seemed to want to leave the pen and not herd so I put in an emergency call to Marilyn:
Me: tell her I know she can do the work and there will only be 3 sheep tomorrow.
Marilyn: is the trial at the same place you were today?
Me: yes.
Marilyn: she's showing me a hill – is it on a hill?
Me: there's a hill behind it and a road on top of the hill.
Marilyn: she's afraid that more sheep will come down the hill and surprise her.
Marilyn: she's telling me she can handle more than 3 sheep but doesn't want to be surprised.
Marilyn: is it a busy road
Me: Yes - Highway 10
Marilyn: I told her there were cars on the road and they would stay there.
Marilyn: she wants you to show her the top of the hill again tomorrow.
Me: No problem
Marilyn: did you show her today?
Me: yes we walked to a road under the highway and sat for a bit.
Me: tell her Bonnie's going to work her tomorrow.
Marilyn: she said good, she likes Bonnie. She said Bonnie's smart and explains everything very clearly. Not that you don't she said but Bonnie's really smart. You're fun.
Me: anything else she wants to tell me?
Marilyn: she said she wants water tomorrow.
Me: oh my gosh… she didn't have any today right away and it wasn't until later that I gave her some.
Marilyn: Ohhhh.. that's scary when that happens… lol
After the trial - Me: so.... she pulled it off and has her first leg of an HT. Is this what the hill looked like? (photo sent) At first she didn't want to herd and actually came to the judge as if to say I'll just stand by this lady thank you. Then Bonnie dropped the stick that's used, called her out and let her chase the sheep and then started directing her to the cones. The whole thing took less than 3 minutes and you are allowed 10 min. Behind where Bonnie is standing is more open space and I parked there overlooking the field so that's what she was watching all day and I took her to the other side of the road to show her there were no sheep.
Marilyn: That is SO weird! That's exactly what the hill looked like from her perspective! When you told me last night that it was by the side of the freeway, I was skeptical, because my impression of what the hill looked like and what a hill on the side of the highway would look like to me are two different things, but now that I see the pictures that's exactly what it looked like!
